This is a test.
For the next 500-ish words, this blog will be conducting a test of the Emergency Skate Publishing System.
This is only a test.
If you are bored:
1) It’s someone else’s fault.
2) It must be 2006.
3) You are boring.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you have multiple boards for specific spots:
1) The industry thanks you.
2) Give at least one of those things to the kid with the razor tail.
3) You’re a very complex individual.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you are offended:
1) You’re older than I thought.
2) You’re reading way too hard.
3) You aren’t reading hard enough.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you hate your scene:
1) Move away.
2) Build a jump ramp.
3) Listen to Elliot Smith.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If the skatepark just lost its lease and there’s a foot of snow on the ground:
1) You could go hang out at the shop.
2) You could make an anonymous comment to some asshole’s blog.
3) You could watch the Anti Social video.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you are a tweaker:
1) You just ate your beeper.
2) You’re chewing on your sneaker.
3) Here comes the fuckin’ reaper.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you can’t get your eggplants around:
1) You’re Billy Ruff.
2) What’s an eggplant?
3) You have to push with your “aaahm.”
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you’re under-rotating your tre flips:
1) You’re really regular footed.
2) You’re really goofy footed.
3) Try varial flips.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you can name the ender from Mike Carroll’s part in Goldfish:
1) High five everybody in the room.
2) You weigh over 200 pounds.
3) You can also recite Owen Wilson’s dialogue from Yeah Right!
4) You could always go skateboarding.
If you’re still reading this:
1) That makes one of you.
2) You’ve been skateboarding too long.
3) You haven’t been skateboarding long enough.
4) You could always go skateboarding.
This concludes the test of the Emergency Publishing System. If this were an actual emergency and you were relying on a blog for instructions on where to go, what to do, or how to do it, you’d be dead by now. For more timely, seemingly authoritative, and opinionated scenarios, you might tune to one of the bright screens situated throughout your home. At the very least, these will provide you with a sense of comfort, and your last moments will be filled with the kind of bliss that’s reserved exclusively for the innocent mall goers, football fans, and cake eaters.
For official information, news, or instructions, you would be wise to start making stuff up and do it all yourself—if you don’t come up with the answers, no one will. The Good Problem humbly serves at the pleasure of the world of skateboarding and all its citizenry.
This concludes this test of the Emergency Publishing System.
You could always go skateboarding.