You know what they say: Assholes are like opinions—they smell terrible.
Wait.
Opinions smell like assholes?
What smells, asshole?
I can’t remember exactly how it goes, but it’s got something to do with asses, holes, and opinions. And I guess I’m supposed to have one, or if the saying is true, all three in beautiful harmony. Sometimes, though, I just don’t … have an opinion, that is. That said, I hope I’ll always have an asshole—until the day I die.
Ex-lax, take me away!
Whatever you have to say about funk in the corner of your dog’s eye-of-the-storm, it’s best if you just keep your run-on opinion to yourself. Tristan Funkhouser. Photo: Michael Blabac
I don’t really care much about who’s riding for whom, though. At full throttle, it kinda makes me wonder what people are thinking as they bounce around from this truck company to that griptape manufacturer, but honestly, I’m saving my opinion for something better. Like who’s rolling their pant legs up twice as opposed to only once.
Winners of competitions? Eh.
I’m happy for them, but I don’t have time to hold up signs or wave foam fingers. I’m busy not having an opinion.
Jeff Philips drops tabs for the win. Photo: Grant Brittain
Videos rank only slightly higher, and I actually do have an opinion about them. Twice. Once after I first see them and once fifteen years later when I see them again at a bar or a party. The opinion I have, in both cases, has something to do with a video keeping my attention (or, conversely, not) as I go about my regular business of inhaling and exhaling, eating and farting, living and dying. Ricky Oyola’s switch push, for example, is something to behold, and goes really good with a pulled pork sandwich and some suds.
Q Man’s opinion: crail + sweeper = creeper. Photo: Jon Humphries
My stronger opinions—usually negative, contradictory, and much weaker than the normal person’s—mostly have to do with me, someone driving like an idiot, the weather, or how idiot drivers and the weather are messing things up for me.
But, really, enough about me; what do you think about me?
I will go out on a limb, though, and state that I do enjoy summer a lot and consider it a fully worthy season. I also like smooth concrete more than rough asphalt. Fridays are generally better than Mondays. Coffee is good.
S.Kinevil slaps one at the gates of hell. Photo: Scott Zorn
Other than that, though, if there’s some unifying opinion that my entire life is based upon, it’s this admittedly feeble one: Skateboarding is better than not skateboarding.
It’s pretty much an absolute truth, as far as I’m concerned. If I’m not skating, the stuff I like seems mundane, the stuff I’m indifferent toward sucks, and the stuff I don’t like seems unbearable.
If I’m not skating, both my asshole and I are assholes.
Stefan Janoski’s switch flips are lighting the world on fire with goodness. Photo: Jon Humphries
In line with that, injury is not good, illness is not good, lawn care is not good, jury duty is not good. I know I’m not lighting the world on fire with these harsh judgments, but whatcha gonna do? I’ll leave the rest of the opinions to the more opinionated. They really seem to enjoy it.
Me?
I’m just learning to be comfortable as an asshole with a smelly butt.
Listen to S.Kinevil’s playlist: Soundtrack From A Thousand-Yard Stare
